If you have come to this page, something tender brought you here. Maybe you are facing a decision tonight and you feel alone inside it. Maybe your abortion is years behind you and the grief still arrives without asking. Either way, hear this first: you are not beyond love, and you are not the worst thing you have ever done. God has not turned His face away from you. He is nearer than you think.

A gentle note before you read on. This next part is my own story, told plainly, and it may stir your own. Read slowly. You can pause here and come back whenever you are ready. This page is not going anywhere, and neither is He.

However you found this page, there is a place for you here. Maybe you are facing this decision tonight, and your thoughts will not slow down. Maybe you made it long ago, and you have come here looking for peace and comfort. Both of you are welcome here. Neither of you will be judged here. This page will simply sit with you, the way Jesus does.

I’ve been there

Remorse. Regret. Physical pain. Shame. Feeling completely alone. If that is what you are feeling tonight, hear this from someone who knows. I’ve been there.

I know the pain and the grieving you are feeling, because I have carried it too. You feel remorse, regret. You are in physical pain. It is horrible. I was alone and had no one, and I thought I would never be able to have children again. My doctor did such a horrible job. Some of the nurses judged me and made me feel like I deserved that pain. When I hemorrhaged and went back to the hospital, the nurse said, ‘Well, you had an abortion. What do you expect?’ I was not even given pain medication. Thankfully, things are different now than they were over 30 years ago.

I lost a girl. I did not think I would ever be able to have another little girl. My first two children were boys. Then God blessed me with a daughter, my third child. The chapter I thought had closed in that room had not closed at all. When she was born, the nurse said, ‘It’s a girl.’ I said, ‘No, it’s not.’ She said, ‘Yes, it is.’ I said, ‘No, it’s not. I’m not allowed to have girls. I don’t think I’m able to have a girl.’ The nurse told me once more, ‘Yes, it’s a girl.’ I said, ‘Jesus loves me.’ I knew then I wanted to call her Angel.

You want someone to make you a meal, to sit with you, to hold you. You are ashamed and embarrassed, even though your reasons were justified. Abortion is like any other sin.

Underneath all of it, I did not want a speech. I did not want to be explained or excused. I wanted to be forgiven. I wanted one person to stay in the room, to make a meal and sit with me and hold me while the shame did its worst, and to still be there when it passed.

That is why the woman in Scripture who reached for the hem of Jesus’ garment is so close to my heart. She had been bleeding for twelve years. She had spent everything she had. She came up behind Him in the crowd, trembling, hoping one touch would be enough, hoping no one would even notice her. She was not asking to be announced. She wanted to be healed. She wanted to be clean. She wanted the hurting to stop.

Jesus stopped. He did not step back from her. He did not shame her for reaching. He turned, He found her, and He called her by the one name she may not have heard in years.

“He said to her, ‘Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.'” Mark 5:34, NIV

Daughter. Not a label for what she had done. Not a verdict. A name of belonging. He is still calling women by that name tonight, women who believe they have reached too late, or from too far down. If you are reaching tonight, even with a shaking hand, He already knows. He is not moving away from you.

To this day, every time I get a text or a phone call, every time I hear my daughter’s voice or see her name, or even just see the word angel, I think of how incredibly blessed I am, and how undeserving. I feel humbled all over again, right down at His feet, like that woman reaching out to touch Jesus.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared.

John 8:11, NIV

If you are still standing in front of the decision itself, trying to decide whether or not you’re going to keep it, I’ve been there too. It is the hardest decision you will ever have to make.

“Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow.” Isaiah 1:18, NIV — From scarlet to snow.

So stay under His wings a while. You do not have to hurry off this page, and you never have to hurry out of His love. What He washes, He washes white as snow. Who He calls Daughter, He keeps.

If you are facing this decision tonight

Slow down. A decision made in panic rarely feels like your own later. You do not have to carry tonight alone, and you do not have to decide it alone either.

There are people whose whole work is sitting with women in this exact moment, without pressure and without judgment: your local pregnancy care centre will listen, tell you the truth about every option, and stand with you in the practical things too, like housing, money, and telling the people you fear telling. You can find one through Pregnancy Care Canada. Talk to your doctor about the medical questions. Talk to one trusted person about the rest.

And talk to God. He is not shocked by your situation, and He is not waiting to scold you. He is the One who knits life together, and He loves both lives in this story, your baby’s and yours.

If you have already walked through it

Then this part is for the quiet grief, the date you never mention, the wondering about who that child might have been. Your sorrow makes sense. A loss carried in secret is still a loss, and it deserves to be grieved like one.

Hear what God says to you, in His own words:

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1, NIV

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” Psalm 139:13, NIV

“My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.” Psalm 51:17, NIV

“…who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion.” Psalm 103:3–4, NIV

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9, NIV

Forgiveness in Christ is not a smaller forgiveness for smaller sins. The cross was enough, or it was not. It was. Bring Him the whole of it: the decision, the pressure, the people who drove you there or left you alone in it. He receives it all, and He does not hand it back.

Healing often goes deeper with company. Rachel’s Vineyard and similar post-abortion healing retreats exist across Canada, led by people who understand this exact grief. Your church family and our prayer desk are here too. You do not have to keep being the only person who knows.

If you prayed tonight

If somewhere in this page you whispered a prayer and asked Jesus into your heart, welcome home. That is the beginning of everything. Begin with Jesus will walk with you from here, gently, step by step. Please, let someone know. Tell us through the chat or the prayer desk, so we can celebrate with you and pray for you by name. No one should carry a new beginning alone and unseen.

A prayer for tonight

Lord Jesus, You know everything about my story, and You have not walked away from it. I bring You what I have been carrying alone: the fear, the grief, the questions with no answers left on earth. Forgive me where I need forgiving. Hold the child I think about, in the mercy I trust You for. Hold me too. Teach me how to live forward without hiding. I am Yours. Amen.

New Wine

Gentle first steps

• If your body is scaring you tonight — pain, heavy bleeding, fever, or you are not sure what is normal — call 811 anywhere in Canada and a registered nurse will help you, day or night, free and confidential. In Manitoba and Nunavut, call 1-888-315-9257.
• If you are in danger of harming yourself, call or text 988, any time. Reach for a person before anything else.
• Tell one trusted person. Secrecy is where this sorrow grows heaviest.
• Write to our prayer desk from the Prayer page. We will pray for you by name if you give one, and everything is held with care.
• For decision support: your local pregnancy care centre, through Pregnancy Care Canada. Their network of more than 80 local centres across Canada offers free, confidential support, and their website can help you find the centre nearest you.
• For healing after: Rachel’s Vineyard retreats in Canada. Rachel’s Vineyard offers confidential weekend retreats for women and men healing after abortion, held across Canada and around the world, and their website lists upcoming retreats and locations.
• For medical questions, always your own doctor.

See also: Grief and Bereavement · Forgiveness · Depression

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